Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Beyond your Wildest Fantasies

While perusing the Yahoo homepage the other day I stumbled across an article entitled, “Ricky Martin Helped Hillary Clinton To Puerto Rican Win.” Now normally I hardly care about the recent Democratic primaries because of the inevitability of an Obama victory (and at press time Obama was projected to have won the nomination), but I couldn’t resist reading any national news story that still mentioned the Latin crooner who had previously delighted the US with such hits as “Livin’ la Vida Loca” and “She Bangs”. Apparently he still holds some political sway in the great 51st state of Puerto Rico, and his rousing endorsement of Hilary Clinton was enough to pull her to victory, which finally made me realize we as a country have finally become a truly “bizarro” world. I half expected to see an article where the great Baltimore R&B superstar and “Thong Song” creator Sisqo’s endorsement of John McCain led to his Maryland victory, but sadly there was none. So in honor of Ricky Martin’s triumph in Puerto Rico I offer you some bizarre fantasy game possibilities for you and your friends to enjoy. So if you ever get sick of finishing in last place in Fantasy Football every year, do some research and challenge your friends in one of these games.

Fantasy Box Office Returns

For those movie buffs out there, how would you like to actually have a place where you can prove you know which movies will flop and which will flourish. We all know you may have bragged to your friends that Sex and the City would beat Indiana Jones at the box office, but now you can actually put your money where your mouth is. At you can create a league where you and your friends can draft hit movies and see whose perform best. Each season lasts three months and new seasons start every month so you can still battle over whether Hancock or The Dark Knight will do better this summer. Fantasy Moguls has two types of leagues one based solely on box office returns and the other adding per theatre average (PTA), imdb user score, and number of weeks in the Box Office top 5 to the scoring categories. In both leagues you get 100 dollars to purchase movies that come out in your season, meaning that your eight movie “studio” must balance both big budget blockbusters (sorry for the alliteration) and small budget art films. It even has early tracking and a Matthew Berry like douche bag, Steve Mason, who thinks he knows everything about movies.

Fantasy Pop Culture

This one may be better suited for the many female readers of this blog, or the very effeminate men that want to finally show how much they know about celebrities. Well for those who want to join a fantasy celebrity league go to and start bickering about who gets to take that hottie Zac Efron with the first pick. The way it works is you draft celebrities for your team and the people who get the most celebrity blog mentions get you the most points. So you can go for high profile socialites like Parish Hilton, rehab attendees like Eva Mendes, fire crotches like Lindsay Lohan, or go for the low-profile celeb and pray she gets busted buying crack cocaine like Tatum O’Neal. Never has rooting for some celebrity’s life to go over the edge been more fun. Imagine the ecstasy Brittney Spears owners felt when she shaved her head and beat up an SUV. Also you can join one of Fafarazzi’s reality television leagues. If you watch the Hills, Top Chef, or the Mole religiously, why not pick three players and see how many points your team can get when your selections win challenges, cause drama, or avoid elimination. Now instead of yelling about how much you hate that bull-dike Lisa from Top Chef, just don’t pick her for your team, and feel better when your selection stabs her in the heart with their culinary prowess.

Fantasy Sports you have never watched or heard of

Sure you may know a lot about football, baseball, basketball, and even hockey, but can you win a Fantasy Cricket league. You may not even be able to name a Cricket player, but why not grow some balls and try it. I’m sure half the people who play don’t know any cricket players either. Don’t like the fact that Cricket is played by terrorist rogue nations, then why not try Fantasy Curling or Aussie Rules Football. After all Canada and Australia are basically America anyway. Well except for French Canada, those snobby pricks. Or if you want a sport you can actually watch on TV, why not try Fantasy AFL or Olympics. Trust me nothing will make Olympic Shot Put more exciting than having your fantasy league depend on it. So instead of looking pitifully at your eighth-place fantasy baseball team all day, try a new sport and maybe you’ll win something for once. If they don’t have a league for the sport you want, just make one yourself. Come up with a reasonable scoring system, and keep it all in an Excel Spreadsheet. It’s not as difficult as you may think and it is a great way to finally do fantasy college sports, since no internet sites are allowed to have them.

So next time you get bored with playing the same old fantasy sports or don’t play fantasy because you hate sports, try something new. There are many more crazy fantasy games I did not mention that might be perfect for you. Fantasy Games can bring a new level of competitiveness and excitement to even the most mundane thing. And if we learned anything from Ricky Martin’s music career besides the fact that although he never said it, he was gay, it’s that living the crazy life can be fun, and can lead you to make music videos with very attractive women.

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